SHACKLEFORD: You know, Anne Rice started it, with her brooding, sensitive vampires. Come on, pre-crazy Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in one movie? That’s some man candy. Then you got Twilight, oh barf, where sparkly vampires don’t want to eat you, they just want to be loved and all that EXPLETIVE DELETED. It sends the wrong message to young women. What kind of hundred year old hangs out a high school to pick up dates? Weirdo pedophiles. That’s who. Real vampires love those books. It makes picking up victims much easier.
SHACKLEFORD: Absolutely. Speaks directly to camera. Listen, girls. I know you like that whole ‘bad-boy-but-I-can-change-him’ thing, but real life vampires aren’t sensitive, they aren’t sparkly, and they don’t want to be your boyfriend. They want to eat you. Sucking your blood is not a euphemism, they literally want to suck your blood… out of your body. You kind of need that to, oh, not die. With vampires, when somebody says don’t forget to wear protection, we’re talking about body armor. The rates of vampire attacks have risen dramatically over the last few years against gullible teenagers because you’re just making this easier for them. Looks back at reporter. Hypothetically.
PL: Of course.
SHACKLEFORD: Looks back to camera. Vampires love you about as much as you love a Big Mac, honey. Deal with it.