***(Hades Fria, New Mexico) Cheif Climatologist Jack De Thermastadt at the National Institutes of Hype gave Americans something else to worry about today.
“You know how we were pushing Global Cooling in the ’70’s until we changed our minds and settled in on Global Warming? Well, it occurred to me that we should be scientifically consistent on the Ozone Hole. We were always scaring everybody with the Ozone Hole back then, so I think it’s time we worried about the Ozone Cover. The Hole has been sealed up so tightly that we now have a dangerous, impenetrable Cover of Ozone. We only have months to fix it.”
When asked how it could be fixed, Thermastadt explained “Just like all other crises–by turning over all power and money to ever-more unaccountable bureaucrats, the more distant and unaccountable the better.”
He added “And that’s nothing compared to the threat posed by Alkaline Rain.”
***(Moscow, Russher) Russia announced today that it had invaded the tiny principality of Bonda, where it wiped out every man, woman and child, killed all the livestock, burned all the buildings to the ground, whereupon the Russian troops salted the earth and returned to Russia.
The White House urged Bondagers to use restraint.