Friday, January 23, 2009

"Dear Sir, sorry 'bout that mess in your pants"

Don't know if this is true, but if it's not it ought to be:
"I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

- Alex "

Sent to me by a friend


Anonymous said...

I know this comment will garner it's fair share of flame, but here goes...We are always taught when the gun comes out, you fire until the threat is neutralized. If possible, flee from the situation before using deadly force.

Your post is a perfect example of using a gun to defuse a deadly situation. If it were only me in that situation, I would have attempted to flee. If chased, I could have used deadly force, especially if said punk had a knife. Problem with your scenario is a girlfriend in the mix.

I cannot flee in this situation, nor can I justify the use of deadly force (probably) in the eyes of the law. (As for myself, I would be MORE than happy to just ventilate the bastard.) I would conceal the weapon and draw with the jacket as I removed it, and quick as that, the asshole is looking into the gaping maw of my .45. Never thought of practicing this, time to do so.

Anyway, the game is over at that point, with no bloodshed, unless he is suicidal. Gun drawn, no shots fired, threat neutralized. There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule. I could think of several more.

Gauge said...

Actually, you can use deadly force. It's all in what you "THINK" is about to happen. You "think" you are about to be hurt seriously and your girlfriend as well. At least that's what the law states here. And that's what was taught in the carry concealed training class.